The Week in Which We Get All Macho and Stuff

or Manly Ways to Be Manly

As you probably know from watching all of Jordan Peterson's profoundly insightful videos on social media, contemporary masculinity is in a state of crisis. It's practically impossible to be a man in modern society. A guy can't crush a beer can against his head or mow his lawn with a flamethrower or shoot bottle rockets at a herd of cattle or hang a poster of Dame Judi Dench in a bikini anymore without coming under attack.

In such an oppressive cultural environment, it can be challenging for a young man to form a sense of identity. Who is he? What can he be? How can he take pride in his macho dudelihood? Luckily, your manly friends at Balderdash! have been researching the issue in the most butch, gnarly, testosterone-y way possible, bro. And we've developed a modern taxonomy of the known masculine personae options that fellas can adopt as they continue to move machismically through these turbulent times. We're proud to present our authoritative list of the nine "Manly Ways to Be Manly":

(1) PRETENTIOUS GASBAG:

(2) GUY WITH A TERRIBLE BUSINESS IDEA:

(3) GUY WHO MOURNS A TERRIBLE LOSS BY YELLING NONSENSE AT PEOPLE:

(4) GUY WHO CAN QUOTE EVERY LINE FROM THE 1941 NOIR CLASSIC THE MALTESE FALCON:

(5) GUY WHO MISREMEMBERS 100% OF THE LYRICS TO BILLY JOEL’S “WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE”:

(6) GUY WHO MAYBE GOT ABDUCTED BY ALIENS ONE TIME (BUT PROBABABLY NOT) AND HE’S MADE IT, LIKE, HIS WHOLE IDENTITY:

(7) CRAFT BEER HERMIT:

(8) PAUL GIAMATTI:

(9) STAND UP COMEDIAN TRAPPED IN THE BODY OF A VELOCIRAPTOR:

PROMPT:

Your turn! We’ve just shared with you the only known ways for men to be men. BUT! It’s sometimes fun to imagine that our possibilities are infinite. What kind of man do YOU want to be? A sassy toaster repairman? A postage-stamp adhesive taste-tester? An empathetic, reflective human being who reads books and believes in equal rights for people of all genders, races, socio-economic backgrounds, and physical/mental abilities? Something even CRAZIER???

(1) Imagine the kind of man YOU want to be.

(2) Draw a picture of him.

(3) Give him a speech bubble and fill it with a great truth that comes from his heart or soul…or gut!

(4) Come up with a clever and accurate name for this category of undiscovered man.

(5) Share it with your friends!